A Line in the Sand

Barriers

2011-10-20T16:19:00.000-07:00

The Psalms. They are the bible's little poetic wonder and one of my favourite books. Why, you may ask? Because within it's chapters are spirit-lifting stanzas of praise, sorrow, anger, joy and questioning cries to God. They show beautiful and multi-layered relationships between man and God. For me it shows the rawness of the human spirit that is in Love with God. While there are many uplifting and profound verses all over the place, it's often the smallest, single sentences that catch me.

Psalms 21 v. 13 (Message) was one that grabbed me; "Show your strength God, so no one will miss it." We all have weaknesses or character flaws, or face hardships but as Paul writes about Christ's authority," My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

I face some form of weakness or hardship everyday. Whether it is contesting my pride, mucking through depression, attempting to scramble through a language barrier, or needing God to warm my ice cold heart to show unconditioned love to people. I know my faults bring me down and it's a constant battle and I am just a man. However, wiping that aforementioned cliché from my eyes, I have to be honest with myself, because it kills me to see hypocrisy and lies within my own life. I know there is more to life then slavery to these things, there is more to life then drinking in soul-intoxicating complacency.

I am not saint but I have a great Saviour. As such I will continue to ask he show his strength in me in the areas where I no longer have any so no one can miss recognising him.

2 Corinthians 12 (esp v. 7-10)

St. Augustine Inspires

2011-10-05T23:47:00.000-07:00

From my birth I have been apart of you.
In many ways you are my mother.
But time has a way of exposing that which lies beneath:

The Kingdom, you have abandoned the Kingdom for self-indulgence!
You savage that which Papa gave you,
Using it for your wanton luxury
You mistake gluttony for beauty, and mask the truth for the sake of simplicity

The Kingdom, oh the Kingdom you have abandoned for self-indulgence
You shout your "Devotion" from the high places
Yet, you disguise your debauchery,
Clothing it under the linen of popular belief; that of earthly standards.

You have let your Love become a Four-Letter Lie
Holding your arms out wide, you call to those with burdens
They put their hearts within your care yet you bind them up,
Placing upon them a weight they were not ment to carry.
Holding them to the letters of the Law, to that from which they have been freed!

You have let you Love become a Four-Letter Lie.
Allowing yourself to become weak and comfortable
You pray diligently for safety when you were made to be ferocious, a lioness, a force to be reckoned with.
Tarry not in worry over your failure, but fret over your success in that which is of no consequence!

You may be a whore, but you are my Mother!
As it is, turn from the path you have taken, and step out of the darkness!
Sink your fangs into injustice! Promote the Peace Everlasting!
Cultivate that which you desire to see, or receive only that which the World can give you.
Chase after An Geadh-Glas, pursue once again, and be unified with the One who gave you your voice.

2 Corinthians 13 v. 5: Read It.

I am angry...

2011-09-27T19:09:00.000-07:00

As Christians we should acknowledge the things that are ugly and manifestations of sin. We must not be afraid of recognising them, of vocalising them. It is important to state them to our father so that he will be glorified. Matthew 10 v. 26-33

I am angry when I see a women searching for assistance but is so drugged up,
she cannot focus enough to remember personal information.
I am angry when a man has to choose between school or working 12 hr days to provide for himself/his parents.
I am angry when I see a teenage mother struggling to provide for her child.
I am angry to encounter a man completely wasted a 11 in the morning.
I am angry when people act as if they are too good to be near someone who they judge as below them.
I am angry when people passing by give the ugliest looks to my friend who is homeless
because, being happy to see me, he decided to serenade me with a goofy song.
I am angry...

May we never ignore them or consider their hardships to be normative.
and May we hold to the promise of Revelation 21 v. 3-5.

My Psalm (27 June-Peru)

2011-09-27T18:59:00.000-07:00

I have found that at times a source of good reflection and time with God comes in personalising/re-writing Psalms.
What follows is an example of this, specifically one while reflecting during my time in Peru.

You know my temptations and my struggles.
You know the words that scratch my soul like freshly sharpened knives.
You know the desires of my heart and the burdens to tough to carry on my own.
You know the words I long to say and halt the curses that seek their exit my mouth.
And you are with me always!

There to comfort me when I stumble, and to set me straight when I wander astray.
You have search my mind and know the lies that plague it.
You place light among them to show them for what they are.
Let me see that the monsters that haunt me are not but creatures to be squashed beneath my feet!

Inspiration: Psalm 139

The Art of Trusting

2011-09-25T15:59:00.000-07:00

Trusting is an art form. It takes practice, tools and skills built up over time, and just a touch of daring. It is an activity or practice that can be regarded as medium of expression for a relationship.

This week I was placed in a position of having to express the deepest trust and found that trusting God and trusting others often go hand in hand.

It started off on being in a place of dangerous ground, to where I was not caring what God wanted to say to me. This had to change. I needed to move from having no faith to having great faith, obedient faith and it had start with some action.

I have a passion for God. It has developed in me over the course of many years, several filled with trials and tribulations. I have had to learn over the years (and had to have it refreshed for me this week) that it is not simply God taking roll and his satisfaction with "Here!" but that he wants more. He desires, "I'm listening," as well. It is having the same response when times are difficult/critical as when your journey first began/when things were easier.

This time if I wanted to be listening to God, if I wanted to take him seriously, I needed to follow his calling for accountability, and in turn meant having to put my trust in a very dear friend. And so I did, and trust me it wasn't easy.

I couldn't eat all day, I was nauseous, and during our conversation I could hardly bring myself to look my friend in the eye. Up to that conversation I was facing a problem with faith. I was faced with the possible contradiction of a promise from God, with the command he had given me. How was God, in this situation, going to be a God of honour? I was facing the possibility of rejection, humiliation, and the loss of a friend. I'd experienced it before. How was God going to show up in this context? I had to take a chance, and I am so thankful I did.

Often trying to understand what God is doing puts us at a confrontation with what he would have us do. Trying to reason about what God will do binds us to inaction. But God has a plan both big picture and small and before we can see the place or to see the outcome, we must choose to see the God who is already there.

I would rather choose love and the risk that people will not accept me for everything that I am, then not trust God. Heb. 11 v. 17-19

The Lie.

2011-09-25T15:30:00.000-07:00

There is this little lie that we as human beings have been fed that pervades our lives and influences our day to day actions. This lie is whispered to us daily: to be effective we have to have it all together, and it is compounded on by the lie that we CAN have it all together. This can be said even more so of Christians; that somehow, to be able to truly walk a walk of faith, we have to be able to meet a set of requirements, to make up for our inadequacies before we can be in relationship with God.

This is called religiosity and I want nothing to do with it.

We have to stop trying. Make loving God another obligation burn out will happen and we end up focusing even more on ourselves. How can you command others to stop sinning in order to love God, when we have to love God to stop sinning? It is when we stop actively loving and pursuing God that we slip into sin.

I need God to help me to love God. That's the beauty of it, our efforts are totally out of the picture. He died so that we could love him, he helps us to love him.

Read it yourself:
Gal. 5 v. 13-14, John 10 v. 10

Putting the Gifts Down

2011-09-18T15:48:00.000-07:00

I have been living the last six weeks burdened by the desire to be in two places at once. After two wonderful years of discovery and growth I am once again living the the town in which I grew up.

I love this place, I could go on about it for hours, to the extent which I always get looks from friends that are underlaid with the question "WHY!?!". With it's rustic and rural beauty, it's history, and it's broken, eccentric, and beautiful people, this little town of Gold never ceases to amaze me. However, I am in love with another place, another group of wonderful, eccentric people, a second home.

Today was a message on a segment of Abraham's story. It is a story I have heard countless times, but somehow never appreciated the gravity of the story's background. It is the story of Abraham's test to sacrifice Isaac his only son, and the greatest promise from God in a covenant to Abraham. If you know this story you have probably asked, as I have, why on earth would God test Abraham in such a manner? This kind of test would never blow over in this day and age, and you would be right. Yet, how Dennis pointed out, God often uses the same lessons, he simply uses different packages.

Gifts, especially gifts from God come in all sorts packages. They may be an assortment of talents, they may be unexpected blessings, or in my case a group of amazing people. We like to cling to these gifts with everything we have. Which is understandable, they are wonderful examples of God's love for us. The problem comes when we cling to these gifts so tightly that, when God steps in and asks us to take his hand and follow him, our arms are too full to take hold. It's really hard to trust God enough to set down our beloved items in order to be in relationship with him.

I feel a calling to follow God by joining the Peace Corps, this may sound ludicrous, and sometimes I ask myself the very same thing. Inasmuch, it has meant placing some of the gifts that I have been given down in order to take God by the hand. Yes, it is extremely hard. Not only am I facing not being near some of the people I love the most for a short while, but it also means facing the knowledge that in the future I am going to have to put down even more to live in a foreign country for 2 years. Yet, if I truly desire to follow God, this is what I am required to do. Thankfully, I stand in the knowledge that putting my cherished down for now doesn't mean I am required to do so forever and, thankfully, it is for a God who knows our backgrounds, who declares that he will never test us beyond the portion of our faith, or beyond our ability to succeed.

God is not always easy to listen to, but he's worth it.

Moment of Artistry, A Touch of Poetry

2011-09-10T14:59:00.000-07:00

My eyes drew open, and I gazed in that somber direction.
There will be no more dreaming as the day when death itself is undone.
No more dreaming like a boy so in love, I'm just a boy so in love with the wrong one.

I ran from the dawn, fought with the day, trapped now always in this twilight.
I went down to the river, praying that the water would give me answers.
But this, the water gave me:
Memories slipping through my fingers and a pocket full of heavy stones.

Oh, how I pity poor Atlas.
The world is such a beast of a burden,
When you've been holding on for such a time,
As I have been, to my defences.

There is love in my body, but I cannot get it out
Since the tenderest of touches have left the darkest of marks.
There is no excuse for the state I'm in, but I have found
The sweetest of words have the bitterest taste

Hence, saddness shows on my face, catches in my breath
And the space between two lungs swells as it burns
When I recall the love I held from the start.

Send Me!

2011-08-17T12:48:00.000-07:00

My dear friend is a creative, caring little thing. She can bring joy to you so fast with the simplest cheeky smile, and heaven help your emotional state of being if she decides to gift you something! She has been blessed with the talent of being able to tailor the simplest things to have the perfect individualized impact on whomever she is decides to target with a bit of love.

Prior to our little summertime excursion to Peru I found myself being the happy victim of her love-sniping, via a 30 page hand-crafted glory of a little green journal. Little did I, nor she, know this little act would be a source for a fair few intense spiritual moments during my time abroad. This little journal, with its carefully selected verses, hand-written in various colours and placements throughout the lined pages, became the location to write down reactionary thoughts to events and discussions, a place to write down funny quotes and stories, and a source of divine timing and encouragement.

My first notable encounter came the morning of my departure to Mexico City for debrief. While sitting in the airport waiting impatiently for the plane to begin boarding, I decided to take the time to thoroughly examine the journal and read some of the verses she had chosen specifically for me. I didn't make it past the first page.

There it was, written in large, bolded red letters; Isaiah 6 v. 8.

Then I heard the voice of the LORD saying "Whom shall I send? Who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I send me!"

Wham. Here I was, preparing to go to a far away country, to spend six weeks with people I did not know and worried I would have terrible difficulty connecting with, essentially saying "I will go." But was I really ready? I wanted to shout, saying those very words, "Me Lord, send ME!" But could I say them invariably? This was a constant thought that possessed me throughout the Trek. There are people, family and friends, that I care about deeply, and the thought of leaving them, being possibly thousands of miles away to where I cannot see them whenever I needed or wanted to, is nearly unbearable. I also love Jesus, and he said that whoever leaves behind friends and family and possessions for his name lives for him, anyone who doesn't is not worthy of him (Matt. 10. v. 37 and 19 v. 29).

I don't know what this is going to look like yet, and this trip certainly got me thinking and seeking after God's direction. I know it will not always be easy and I still have a million questions but I have found trust and a burning love for God (more on that later). It's all baby steps from here and continually asking for help to freely give over to him the things that hinder me from full devotion to the Kingdom and to use the things (skills, ambitions, and possessions) placed within my care to their fullest potential to bring love of others.

Sleeplessness in the Face of the Unknown

2011-06-13T23:30:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep. I will literally be boarding a plane in less than six hours to travel to the first part of my 6 week journey into a new country. Why can't I sleep?

Worry. No. Stress. No, that has past. Fear. Surprisingly, not at all.
Then what is it?!

While I was double checking my packing a song came onto the radio. I can't remember the name of the song or the artist but the words that I heard struck me. I don't even know If they are correct but this is what I heard:
Everyday I see the news, all the problems, bet we could solve them
but if the situation rises, we write them off, they should solve them
We could set it straight and go, I hope but all it is is
"I don't really like my phone..."
I don't even know if these are the correct words, or even what the rest of the song was about, but it bugged me. These last few weeks have been wonderful, seeing family and visiting friends before I leave, but one thing keeps bothering me; the advice.

I know the people in my life care about me and want to see me safe, but it's like they drowned out the entire reason I'm going. I'm not going there to be safe, this isn't a vacation...

The best way to describe my thoughts is by breaking down the song. What I feel that takes place are two ways of thinking. The first is that there are problems to be fixed, so we go for a few days/weeks do some good deeds and leave (set it straight and go').
What does this really do? There's no sustainability, there's no relationship,... something's missing.
The other tends to be diversion; 'Those people are lazy, if they just did this...' or 'that issue is to far away for me to worry about it' or [enter excuse here]. (we write them off, they should solve them)
Or simply the focus and find distraction in materialistic things. We let our thoughts be consumed about the newest and biggest, that the other issues that exist in the world get forgotten. (but all it is is 'I don't really like my phone').

I'm guilty of it, I don't know very many who aren't but I'm going to Peru to learn and understand what a life of poverty is. Taking a servant position beneath that the people who live there, in the hope that I can example Christ. This is the alternative road I wish to take. I'm nervous and yet excited about where it will lead me. Funny how a song can be a marvelous outline for things.

Please pray for me, brothers and sisters; that I may find answers while seeking God. These are just random bits of thoughts that are in my head as I prepare to leave, an aid to process them if you will. I thank you for all you support, and hope to see you in 6 weeks.

Much love.

Transition in the Presence of God

2011-06-01T12:03:00.000-07:00

Change. At this moment it is the most illustrious thing in my life. Two significant eras of my existence on this planet have come to a close, but am I ready for it?

I have been privileged for the last to years to attend a beautiful university and graduate with a crisp piece of paper with an estimated cost of close to $10,000. I say this sardonically not out of ungratefulness or disrespect, for I am very thankful for the sacrifices, encouragement, and support of many people (especially my parents) enabling me to be one of the 1%of the global population to receive a higher education, but I say this as a man in reflection. What did I pay for? Yes, skills and knowledge that everyone says I needed, but I think that hefty sum of money paid for things that I could never have expect, things that very few get to encounter.

I left Oroville two years ago a very different individual. As someone once put it eloquently, I was "a human being on the fringes of my community." Everyone knew I was around. I existed on some level, but I wasn't completely connected. I wasn't happy, I wasn't a whole being. I'd seen several of my friends leave Oroville and when they returned on breaks they would profess how much they missed the community here. I believed them but I couldn't see it, I couldn't feel it myself.

Then I left.

I came to Sonoma State University, knowing no one. The freshest start one could imagine. I couldn't have possibly imagined how good and fruitful that new start would be. I connected with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship and met amazing people. I fell into a community of believers with different backgrounds, different struggles, different loves. Yet, above all, had the same passion for God. I laughed, I loved, I cried. I made mistakes, and struggled with hard truths and realities, in tandem, that I feel most Christians wouldn't even put on their radar, and I found God.

I now have left that community that I love so dearly, friends that I could never replace, and an experience I would never sacrifice for anything in this world, to return to where I once started. I had hesitations to say the least. What if I slip back to who I was before? What if I don't find the same acceptance for who I am? Will loose sight of what I have learned? These last few days have been hard and there have been more than enough tears but I know this is where I am supposed to be for now.

John 21 v. 1-14 have been an encouragement it letting me know that I am in the right place. I will be leaving for a six week cultural emersion missions trip to Lima, Peru to live, partner with, and learn from the urban poor who live there. It will be a time of great trial and growth and I will see God in a whole new way and once again come back a different person than when I left. But in the time being I need to be in Oroville. In the verses mentioned above the disciples were facing a time of loss after Jesus' death, a time of transition from the way things had been. They saw God because they were where they knew to be, did what they knew to do, looked for Jesus' presence, and offered what they had. They were able to commune with God before they set out on the path God had laid before them that would take them through the rest of their life.

So that is where I am now. Things have changed dramatically from they way they were but no matter how difficult it may seem everything will be alright because I am in the presence of God.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29 v. 11

Shalom.

The Discovery of Personality

2009-12-20T15:30:00.000-08:00

Recently I was exposed to this book: Please Understand Me II by David Keirsey. (Thanks and props to Josh Harnden).

It has provided me with a wonderful discovery of myself as to how I relate to others, process things, and view a lot of different things.

My personality type: INFP. Which according to the Myer-Briggs Test is the Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving group. According to the book I am a rarer breed, making up only around 1% of the population.

In all honesty I was very skeptical going into taking the test and reading the book, but was simply amazed at how accurately my result fit how I see myself. No to mention how much it gave me understanding for how I comprehend and do things.

According to the book I am "The Healer":

The Healer, I mend divisions
Altruism flows from within me
In the Depths, serenity I do not have
Passion burns within me, a need to make things whole
Empathic I am, glory filled I am not

Benevolence holds me, enthusiasm grips me
I yearn for purity, aspire to wisdom, and search for truth
Aesthetics move me, romance swoons me
And I feel from deep within my bones

Patience in the midst of complication, impatience with routine
I welcome the new, but revere the old
Relate, I do with reservation
Harmony binds me, where commitment finds me
I dislike my credulous nature

From adaptability, and dependability I will not budge
For "If-then" is not my home
Intuition my guide and impressionism my struggle
I will fight for you, love for you,
I would die for you
All I need is your care

Needless to say I'm rather excited about this newly found knowledge. I so appreciative of how God created me to think and relate to others.

As such I encourage you to GO READ THIS BOOK!

Any books hit you crazy recently?
Has God shown you anything about yourself in unexpected ways?

The New Beginning: A few adventures

2009-12-20T13:42:00.000-08:00

The break of Christmas is here and another semester ends with its beginning.
And what a semester it has been!

I came to Sonoma State not knowing a single soul, and have ended my first semester with some of the best friends a guy can ask for. Between Ultimate Frisbee, photoshoots, and midnight Slurpee runs, to Intervarsity events and classes, this season of life has been one of the busiest and happiest I've ever had.

Here's a little taste of what I have been able to do:

To Write Love on Her Arms Photoshoot

Doggy Play Day

California Academy of Sciences

Gravity Hill

Trilogy

The Rocket Summer concert

Ice Skating

Carolling in the Rain

Formal Dinner

Random Photoshoots

Bible Study

A small but wonderful sampling of the many wonderful things of this semester.
From here on out I am going to try and be more diligent about posting as events happen.
But here's to a extraordinary three months and for a whole year and a half more.

Thank you to all who have made it so =)

Have you let God give you any wonderful opportunities recently?

Of Peace, Camping, and God

2009-06-26T10:39:00.000-07:00

I love camping, and this last few days I was able to participate in our family's annual adventure at Shasta Lake (Weren't sure if we were going to go due to the level of the lake earlier in the year). It is by far one of my favourite times of year, and this time was no different. There was a plethora of Wakeboarding (I was able to get up again after a few years of being out cause of my shoulder), Waterskiing, Parasailing, Waterfall exploring, and Campfire talking; which have always been intriguing, to say the least, with my family.

It has been within these conversations I find a lot of wrestling with my own beliefs about God, the church and our purpose as such on this earth, Politics, etcetera, while I listen and sometimes engage in my elders discussions. Constantly I'm reminded how much my views on all of it differs from theirs. Many of them definitely have a more economically conservative, pro-military, "be good, and you're acting like a Christian" mindsets.

A few of my friends are heading into the military and constantly Old Testament quotations are thrown at me to condone military action, and I constantly head to the New Testament where time and time again Jesus says "You have heard its said....but I tell you...". We are called to be different, radically different. To love our enemies and pray for those that do evil against us. To forgive, because retribution is God's. To care for the burdened, down-trodden, the lost. How has it ever gotten to the point, that we have been so self-oriented and forgetful of the things that God has called for us?

"Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12 v. 16-18

Serenity in Silence?

2009-02-17T12:17:00.000-08:00

I'm a silent person. Ok, I can see a few eyebrows, I know I can be outgoing and stuff at times but the more I think about it....I'm rather...well quiet.
The problem: When is it beneficial and when is it detrimental?
Tough question, uber amounts of introspection on this one.
I guess the major thing that has kick started this scrutiny of self has been the recent confront that my reservedness has caused people to believe me to have either hostility or a dislike of them.
I don't like that. Period.
I'm a people pleaser, I hate to pain people in any manner....and I especially dislike people thinking I don't care...
The fact is

I do care, simply, I am shy, under-confident, and defiantly afraid of rejection

The rejection part I just need to just plain get over....its going to happen. The rest has been far from easy.
My recent stumbling block to silence:
Proverbs 12 with Prodigal John's beautiful commentary of this chapter.
There is so much in there on this subject ill have to post on individually what they mean to me.

"But I am not silenced by the darkness, Nor deep gloom which covers me." - Job 23v.17

The Stone, Round 2

2009-02-12T09:30:00.000-08:00

So this Sunday was round two of my epic battle against the malfunctioning of my kidneys. It started during Jesus time at Nine. We were talking about the craziness that occurs when people truly immerse themselves in their relationship with God, when I started feeling a strange feeling in my abdomen. So I told Kurt and Angie that I wasn't feeling good and stuff, so we started praying, really really praying, and at the end Kurt was like "Do you truly believe that God can heal you." and I was like "Yes", and with no doubt about it the pain was totally utterly gone. It was amazing!
On the way to Church the pain all of a sudden hit me extremely hard and thankfully i was taking Angie to church so she took me to the ER. After a lot of agony, a mini seizure thanks to the morphine, and some sleeping here I am totally befuddled about the whole thing.
In no way do I doubt God's power or anything close to that I just don't know how to take any of this. I mean God had answered the prayer, the pain had stopped what happened?

"Look ot he Lord and his strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles and the judgement he pronounced." Psalms 105 v. 4-5

19 years Come and Gone

2009-02-03T12:29:00.000-08:00

Today my long term animal friend, Snowfire Rocket, had to be put to sleep.
It's curious how drastic the change is from knowing a day like this would come, to knowing the very day its going to happen, and then actually experiencing everything that happens on the day itself. You can never really prepare yourself for it.
It's always amazing how much an animal can mean to you, especially since she has been in my life for so long, I mean ever since I was born people....thats a long time!!
Though its hard God is so good. He's been such a comfort for me these past few days...
Its easy to turn away from God's help when you're hurting, but thats when you need him the most! And he likes it when you spend time with him, and i have a feeling it means even more when he can bring comfort and strength when you feel weak!

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5 v. 4

Being Quieted with Love

2008-11-14T11:29:00.000-08:00

I have been struggling a lot with feeling wanted recently, mostly in terms of ministry, I keep feeling as if I put myself out there to help and either it feels as if I just get shot down and basically ignored or I feel like I accomplished nothing for the kingdom while doing so.
I was reading 97 seconds with God yesterday, a blog I was exposed to recently that has become a helpful breather during my day and the writer was talking on "quiet" but this verse popped out to me and I pulled something different.
Zephaniah 3:17:

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.

It was just encouraging, that if I continue pursuing God and his Kingdom, to be like him, and He will give me the direction that I seek. Plain and Simple.

Freedom

2008-10-30T14:45:00.000-07:00

These past few weeks have been indescribably rough and ugly and beautiful.
I had found myself combating with an addiction I've had for as long as I can remember more than ever, and the emotions, and turmoil with wrestling with God over it.
I have been struggling with the inevitable up and coming departure of a friend I've only just recently got to know.
And uncertainty about the future and what God truly wants with/from me.

So suffice to say I've been feeling rather stressed and depressed for some time.

Two Sunday's ago was the start of a process of breaking me that I never expected.
We had an unexceptionably amazing service, and I found myself on my knees in arbitration and reverence to God

And then not but three days later I digressed in my struggle with my vice. In the process I began to realize I've been speaking his Name with my mouth and yet my heart has been far from him. And I began to feel as if I can't continue to walk this road, split and torn between my Flesh and his righteousness. I was ready to walk away from my faith.

And then yesterday arrive and I was planning on just staying home and giving up on the myself and the world I live in, when Twila asked me to go to the Father's House's Wed. service. I really really really didn't want to go but I decided to go just because she had been asking me for so long and I still hadn't done it.

So there I am sitting in a service listening to music and people in utter love and praise to the One I used to feel so close to, wanting to just get out.

I was just standing outside of the aisle because someone had to get past me to return to their seat when Viki Orsello comes up behind me and lightly touches my back. Sensing something (undoubtedly the Holy spirit telling her to pray for me), she stops and simply says peace of mind. I'm beyond shocked and I feel wave after wave of emotion, warmth, sadness, guilt, heartache, longing, flowing though my body. She continues to pray and says more simple short words, undoubtably the spirit telling her that I need to hear. After a long, emotional, spiritual confrontation (with two others coming over to pray over me) I felt an amazing burden lifted off my shoulders.
Shortly after the others move on and I'm so drained for the moment I had to sit down.

Twila was sitting close by and I couldn't help but walk over and sit next to her, she hugs me and I break down again, and the only thing I could say was "Free, I'm Free, Twila I'm Free!"

The Struggle

2008-10-22T11:49:00.000-07:00

How to break free from these chains
When they bind my very heart, and what seems my very being
It feels of an addiction, It started as a choice
How did I let it get this far?
I've heard one say "How can it be wrong?"
But if it was right why is there disconnect from God

I had a taste this weekend
On how it is to feel again
Sunshine passed into this prison that I've built for myself
But I've forgotten how to love

When you've loved, truly loved and their backs turned and walked away
No goodbye...
When you've loved friends, and the return was their evanescence
When you want to love new friends
but you doubt that they care as much
How do I love again?

I want to follow the Way, with everything I am
but I've forgotten how to hear His voice

What does it mean to live? To love?
To know that so many are suffering and dying
Even while I write this thats on my heart
and yet feel helpless to do anything...
When I fear to even say His name

I want to love again
But I've forgotten how

Give Me Moments to Show You

2008-09-26T22:56:00.000-07:00

Beauty, the seed broken by sorrow and sadness
Beaten down, torn up, and thrown away
I have hid my feelings long
Fearing they will do me wrong
As echoes stir the silence
A broken heart makes

"This to shall Pass"
Continues its ring in my head
An empty promise built on more than ludicrous hopes
So, they lead me along
Caring isn't in their plan
The truth hurts, so here it is
A better world will never be seen
Watch as people kill for It
In the name of It

I'm not one to remember all that you've done
Evanesce and hear these words
Truth told in lies
The most beautiful brought to life
And the most evil, with the best intentions done

The human voice is different from other sounds
It can be heard over noises the bury everything else
Even when its not shouting, only a whisper
Even the quietest voice can be heard over armies
When it's telling the truth
So, here it is again
Mark the paradox of asking this masked man who he is
But heavy has this mask grown, so as to have forgotten who is underneath
So give me but minutes to show you who I really am...

Where Friday Night Lights meets Spiritual Questioning

2008-09-24T13:35:00.000-07:00

Friday nights bell game is what actually started this thought process. The topic, sexuality.
I know right me talking about this subject, but as I've been thinking about it, it is such a huge area in every human beings life and yet it is the least talked about in the Body as to how we gauge what is ok and what is to far for purity.
What started this questioning was the cheerleader's performance at half-time at the Bell game Friday night. The struggle:

Where's the point where enjoyment of a woman's beauty becomes lust?

I guess this thought was brought up after the performance when a couple of fellow christian males made comments about how good they did and so forth. The bible mentions purity several times and in several contexts 1 Tim. 5 for example but when I read passages on it. I feel as if I miss or it doesn't define or describe where being a human male changes toward sin. We were created with a sexual drive and in the proper ways is a wonderful gift. But when we are single wheres the line?

....the political dilemma

2008-09-09T08:24:00.000-07:00

This morning while reading in 1 Corinthians I came across some verses that play upon what I have been struggling with when it comes to the upcoming election. The verses I am mentioning is 1 corinthians 3:18-23.
The reason I have been struggling with this is because I disagree highly with a large majority of people on what is truly necessary when it comes to political issues and I make many conservative Christians angry because I don't blindly follow a "conservative" Republican agenda, I anger many liberals because I disagree with several issues because the questionability of them morally. Anyway the reason why I struggle is so many people on both "sides", that I highly respect and trust tell me to vote this way or that, all while using the "lesser of two evils" argument. They boast in "their" candidate as someone who is wise or will establish better ways of running our country. Then again I believe God establishes the leaders he does for a reason, and even though we can't see it now, it turns around in the end.

Fort Bragg

2008-08-25T18:05:00.001-07:00

This past weekend has always been one of my favorite "escapes" but i do have to say this Labor Day weekend has to be my favorite.
Not only was it completely relaxing and rejuvenating in ways i didn't think i needed, but I also got to spend amazing time with God and wonderful friends!
I feel also that God is challenging me to step out of my comfort box and do things that i normally wouldn't dream of doing. I also feel as if he's telling me that if I want to go to santa cruz that he wants me to do it but to be open for spontaneous changes and not to "plan ahead" so much and lean on him

Reminiscence

2008-08-19T19:26:00.000-07:00

Today a really good friend, who i haven't been able to hang out with for a long time, showed up at The Axiom.
We talked and messed around with photo booth on Chuck's lap top for a while. It was an exorbitant amount of fun, she makes me laugh soooo stinking much, I wish that situations were different and things were like they used to. Maybe they will, but i guess times come and go, thats why carpi momentum (as Garrett would say) is important!

Well boys night in an hour, can i get a wooop wooop!
Love you all,
~[N]

Quote of the Day: " It is like when a house burns down, it isn't for years that you realize the full extent of the loss." ~Mark Twain

This is the Way that I Am

2008-08-18T00:42:00.000-07:00

The late night insomnia has set in once again and once again I've have been thinking.
Tonights topic: Why God places people into our lives.
I've been able to be with some amazing people, especially over the last month....and I don't know how to emotionally handle it.
Some of these people I've known for years but never had the chance to truly get to know them before now, for only God knows what reason. And thats part of the question why does God place people when, where, and how he does. It feels like I've missed out on so much and yet there was really no opportunity before now for these relationships to form....and now so shortly after they have been formed, my newly found friends have to leave. Thats all it ever feels like, I get close to someone and God takes them away....every time...
I'm becoming, now especially, more and more afraid of opening up and deepening two specific relationships that have been created over the last few weeks. They have become such an integral part of my life in less than three weeks, and yet to know they we'll have to leave in such a short time...wondering if it all matters...for them, and inevitably myself as well. I don't want to appear desperate, and yet I hate being alone, I've tasted what It feels like to not be for the first time in 19yrs, and I don't want to go back. Yet there feels like an invisible wall of already deeply formed relationships and lives in other places, and I'm just a part of a temporary, quickly fleeting chapter. It feels more self destructive then healthy...
Maybe I think to much....part of me knows I should live for the moment and cherish the time that has been given, but the other part questions if I can/do/will make as much of an impression on others as they seem to have on me...or do I just care too much...
And that all leads me to relationships of the past, and how I've screwed up....
I once held the key and now I have nothing, I'm sorry for leading you along, I know its my own faults that have brought me down, it's a constant battle. I'm sorry I'm just a man.
I know theres more to life. I just want to know people, but I feel nobody wants to be known, or even knows what it means TO be known....

The First

2008-08-17T11:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my first ever Warped Tour! O and let me tell you it was pretty amazing...
Cue list of Shows:

11:45 - The Classic Crime!!!
12:15 - Norma Jean!!
12:55 - We The Kings
1:45 - Alesana!!!
2:15 - Rise Against
3:45 - Against Me/ Bring me the Horizon
4:15 - Mayday Parade!!!
4:45 - Cobra Starship
5:15 - From First To Last
5:45 - Story of the Year
6:10 - Devil Wears Prada!!!
6:45 - Say Anything
7:15 - Gym Class
7:45 Angels and Airwaves!!!
8:15 - Anberlin!!!!!
**exclamation marks denote extra excitement
So pretty much a full and amazing day....and yet I couldn't get enough, cause right after getting home went to play fugitive at Axiom...yeah I'm nuts...but at least I got chased this time, stupid Caleb =), and distracted them enough to get Kinsey and Natja back to Axiom.

Quote of the Day: "Our lives begin to end to day we become silent about things that matter." -Martin Luther King Jr.

The Chat

2008-08-15T20:34:00.000-07:00

This is the span of the last two days...
It all started yesterday morning when I was supposed to meet with Garrett but he apparently sent me a text, that I never got, that told me that he needed sleep and couldn't meet that morning.....so unknowing of this text i enter the McCoy house to find Garrett sleeping away , and i just happened to think Garrett had just accidentally oversleep...soo i messed with him a little to wake him up...and as you can undoubtedly tell he wasn't very happy....but he took it all well so i left early...poor guy!

Anyway so the rest of the day was pretty much a blazay day of catching up on reading and watching some Olympics. But at four i had my first vocal lesson with Amy Hayse which was AMAZING....she makes it so much fun...we worked on committing to the notes (breathing wise) in general and harmony for the song Marvelous Light. Afterwards I went to our small groups softball game in at the Thermalito fields....which we won by like two points i think...it was sooo close but i got to play left field and hit a double....but didn't get to make it home =(.
Shortly after the game went to Stephanie's house and swam with her Chuck, Tyler, and Jessie...Melinda showed up later and we all played colors and sharks and minnows...Chuck, Tyler and I then went back to the appartment and watched Hot Fuzz while eating popcorn and drinking Big Gulp $.99 refill Slurpees.....finally fell asleep around 2:30.

Today started off by having and outstanding worship band practice...we played so well and it was double by feeling God come in and envelope us as we worshiped...unfortunately we had o end at 10...and i had to head off to work....which went well but i'm just really getting tired of being placed in the last or second to the last sections....I talked to Lisa (the manager that does our schedules) so hopefull things will change soon but who knows....

So i went back to Axiom to volunteer....pretty much extremely boring because not very many kids are coming in any more and none of them want to get any coffee drinks so working the Cafe can get a little dull...but i got to talk to Tyler for quite awhile and he asked me to tell him my testimony which I did but was extremely difficult...remembering all the parts of my life....especially to someone I'm only beginning to get to know....but he's quickly becoming one of my best friends and its about time I'm able to face my past again....
well i still have at least 3 more hours to be awake so I'm going to go make the best of it.

Take luck,
~[N]athan

Quote of the Day: " Love puts all logic aside, or else we wouldn't ever risk it"

And Thus it Begins...

2008-08-13T15:48:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the beginning of my journey as a blogger!
Hopefully I'll be able to overcome this Alexithymia of mine, and share with you regularly whats on my heart and mind.

I really don't know what to begin with (cue the inability to express in words my emotions)....yesterday was one of the most fun and craziest concerts I have been to in a loooong time! All the bands were wonderful but Devil Wears Prada, by far was the best performance I have seen since Emery. And beside the amazing music, the people also made the night. I mostly hung out with Caleb, Tyler, and Alyssa (Caleb's girlfriend) who made the concert twice as fun. I have to say Alyssa is one of the most spunky and tough girls I have met in a long time, throwing kids around and getting smashed in the faced and still kept on rocking...so cool. So between the music, putting people on Tyler's team, and nearly being shanked outside of the theater...it was one of the funnest nights I've had in a long time.

So theres the most updated snippet of my life to date...
Love you all,
~[N}athan

Quote of the day: Phil. 4:8 " We are spiritual beings, and everything that touches our lives has spiritual implications."...